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Newsletter Archive
February Reflections From Norman
February 8th, 2012 • Author: adminThe sea of stories rolls on and on without end. Though we must tell and listen to our stories well, trying as much as we can to understand, we know now that there’s a peace beyond understanding, a love too boundless to be known, a tale too secret to be told. As long as space [...]
Read MoreTips – End Game #4 – Lawyers’ Participation in the Writing of Agreement
February 8th, 2012 • Author: adminNormally, we think it is quite important for the mediator to draft the ultimate agreement between the parties rather than leave that to one of the parties’ lawyers because it minimizes strategic maneuvering by the drafting lawyer which can lead to a dynamic between the lawyers to gain the upper hand. So while it is [...]
Read MoreThe Last 3 Minutes
February 8th, 2012 • Author: adminOne of the most important tasks for the mediator is to be able to structure sessions with the parties in a way that creates balance and allows for sufficient flow between the parties with mediator participation. To do this, we often begin sessions with an agreement between the parties and mediator about a list of [...]
Read MoreFebruary Book of the Month
February 8th, 2012 • Author: adminNorman Fischer, one of our teachers, has written a long poem about conflict, some of which was actually written during sessions where he was participating as a teacher during our self reflection programs. The book is extremely evocative and we recommend it as a way to appreciate the many dimensions of conflict that are difficult [...]
Read MoreJanuary-Mediation Themes
January 9th, 2012 • Author: adminOur work in the Understanding-Based approach to mediation and collaborative practice gives direct attention to how people get trapped in their conflicts, recognizing the outer and inner dimensions of that trap, and how we can work effectively to support them in finding a way through and out of their conflicts. We start that inquiry in [...]
Read MoreJanuary Book of the Month
January 9th, 2012 • Author: adminThe Upside of Irrationality: The Unexpected Benefits of Defying Logic at Work and at Home by Dan Arielly This is Dan Arielly’s follow up to Predictably Irrational. Both works centered around the author’s research into why people consistently fail to act in their own best interests. This is a fascinating topic for those of us [...]
Read MoreJanuary Reflections from Norman
January 9th, 2012 • Author: adminWhy not have aspirations so lofty they are impossible to fulfill? To have aspirations any less lofty would be to sell ourselves short. The trick is to keep on making effort in the direction of fulfillment of the aspiration but not to think that you will actually complete the job – and not to be [...]
Read MoreDecember Book Review
December 7th, 2011 • Author: adminThinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman This book, written by a Nobel prize winner in economics (who was not even an economist) was part of a team with Amos… who did the breakthrough thinking about uncertainty in rational behavior that has led to the development of behavioral economics. Kahneman helps us to understand at [...]
Read MoreDecember Notes from Norman
December 7th, 2011 • Author: adminTo be human is to tell your tale and listen to someone else’s. But it would make a difference to know that stories are stories. They are real, but not in the way we think they are when we take them too earnestly and allow them to mesmerize us. Stories are true as stories but [...]
Read MoreWhen Each Party Is the Expert on the Other’s Reality
December 7th, 2011 • Author: adminPeople in conflict who have been in a relationship often feel as if they know a great deal about the other person – the expert on the other’s reality. They come to mediation with that set strongly in mind. They can make righteous statements based on their sense of the reality which offend the other [...]
Read MoreEnd Game Tip #3 – The Mediator’s Stance in the End Game
December 7th, 2011 • Author: adminThe End Game is when everything that has happened in the mediation comes together – the chickens come home to roost. So it is particularly important for the mediator to be able to observe their own dynamic in relationship to the parties and also in relationship to whether the parties reach an agreement and what [...]
Read MoreThe End Game – Tip #2
November 11th, 2011 • Author: adminOne thing that is very challenging in the End Game is to hold onto interests that have been expressed by the parties in a way that keeps them foremost as we negotiate through to a solution. When the rubber hits the road and we are talking options and ultimately solutions, it is hard to find [...]
Read MoreNovember Notes from Norman
November 11th, 2011 • Author: adminZen Mind Training: 59 Slogans for Generating Altruism (forthcoming) We take our point of view so much for granted, as if the world were really as we saw it. But it doesn’t take much analysis to recognize that our way of seeing the world is simply an old unexamined habit, so strong, so convincing, and [...]
Read MoreNovember Book of the Month
November 11th, 2011 • Author: adminThe Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Brené Brown, a researcher on shame and vulnerability, has developed ten ”guideposts” to develop what she calls ”Wholehearted living”—a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness. . She advocates for authenticity which [...]
Read MoreOctober- Notes from Norman
October 3rd, 2011 • Author: adminResting in the openness of mind. Sometimes it’s called not knowing. Why would we have to know everything all the time? Why do we have to be so knowledgeable, so smart, so in control? We don’t! There’s no need to figure everything out. We can just be alive. We can breathe in and breathe out [...]
Read MoreThe End Game – Tip #1
October 3rd, 2011 • Author: adminWe have been specifically studying the end game of the conflict resolution process for a number of years and have come to recognize that there is a lot more to it than many conflict professionals think. Some people feel that if you can just get the parties to have effective communication with each other, the [...]
Read MoreOctober Book of the Month
October 3rd, 2011 • Author: adminDivorce Without Court – A Guide to Mediation and Collaborative Divorce by Katherine Stoner. This Nolo Press book is a great resource book for clients, helping parties to understand how they can fully participate in the process at every step of the way, with clear and straightforward descriptions, summaries and checklists. Kathy has been a [...]
Read MoreAttribution Error
October 3rd, 2011 • Author: adminWe have found that there is a recurring dynamic which often exacerbates conflict between individuals. If this dynamic is understood by the parties, it can help them understand better what is fueling the conflict and make appropriate adjustments. Commonly referred to as the “attribution error” by social psychologists, a simple way to explain this is [...]
Read MoreSeptember- Notes from Norman
September 6th, 2011 • Author: adminZen Mind Training: 59 Slogans for Generating Altruism By Norman Fischer Working manuscript Don’t be One Sided. This one is very important in human relations, and it runs exactly counter to the usual way we approach things. Usually we are exactly one sided: there’s our side and the other person’s side, and it’s our side [...]
Read MoreHow is Collaborative Advocacy Different?
September 6th, 2011 • Author: adminHow is Collaborative Advocacy Different? When Stu Webb wrote in a letter to his friend and colleague, Judge A. M. (“Sandy”) Keith, on February 14, 1990 , . . . “I have unilaterally declared that I will not go to court in an adversarial matter,” Stu meant, of course, two things: he would not go [...]
Read MoreSeptember Book of the Month
September 6th, 2011 • Author: adminBook on CD: Taking the War Out of Our Words —Unabridged Version, includes 12 CDs, read by the author By Sharon Strand Ellison This month’s recommended book is actually a CD—actually a book read by the author Sharon Strand Ellison. This work contains some useful ideas and techniques about communication. As conflict resolution professionals, we [...]
Read MoreLooping Tip #5 – How do you loop someone who is very quiet?
September 6th, 2011 • Author: adminHow do you loop someone who is very quiet? The short answer is “with sensitivity and care.” Looping (the loop of understanding) is seeking to understand the other and confirm that the other has, in fact, felt understood. That implicitly assumes that the other does indeed wish to be understood. The very quiet person may [...]
Read MoreAugust Book of the Month
August 4th, 2011 • Author: adminBuddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, MD This book examines the intersection of psychology, neurology, and contemplative practice to help us understand how our brains affect our mental states of happiness, love and wisdom. Our ability to be aware of our inner state impacts [...]
Read MoreAugust-Notes from Norman
August 4th, 2011 • Author: adminDenying difficulty, we never learn that difficulty can be creative and fruitful. This national habit of denial of difficulty does not foster a climate in which maturity can grow. It encourages us all to be children for our whole lives, to be self-deceitful and surface-oriented, skimming along on the slick bubble of the dream, which [...]
Read MoreLooping Tip # 4 – How to Loop When Someone is Aggressive or Domineering
August 4th, 2011 • Author: adminWhen faced with the challenge of looping someone who is aggressive, domineering, or blaming the other person, it can be very daunting. We particularly don’t want to loop the blame as blame. Our suggestion is that we reframe the blame in a way to hold the speaker accountable for their own experience. For example, “So [...]
Read MoreThe Differences Between Mediation and Collaborative Practice
August 4th, 2011 • Author: adminWhat is the difference between mediation and Collaborative Practice? This question is often asked by a person trying to choose which process might work better for their situation. Currently, the question is more likely being asked by someone facing divorce or separation or the end of a domestic partnership, areas in which the use of [...]
Read MoreJuly Book of the Month
July 6th, 2011 • Author: adminBook of the Month: Being Wrong By Kathryn Schulz This is a groundbreaking book that deeply analyzes the whole phenomenon of being wrong in a very serious way, from a new field called “Wrongology”. This is so fundamental to how people deal with conflict that the more we understand about this phenomenon, the better able [...]
Read MoreJuly Reflections from Norman
June 30th, 2011 • Author: adminStill, no matter how well we know ourselves and how much we achieve a steadiness of character, we are never immune to mistakes. With self-acceptance we know this, and we try to make use of our mistakes, learning from them as best we can. Over time we see how often our worst mistakes and most [...]
Read MoreTensions in a Team
June 30th, 2011 • Author: adminWhether we are mediating or working in the collaborative process, we are often in relationships with other professionals, either directly or indirectly. The success of the process will often depend to some extent on our ability to successfully manage the various tensions that can arise between professionals. When we understand that these tensions are inevitable, [...]
Read MoreLooping Tip #3 – Looping the Speaker’s Emotions and Non-Verbal Communication
June 30th, 2011 • Author: adminWhen people speak, paying attention to the words they use to communicate is only a part of understanding what they are trying to express. Various studies have found that nonverbal cues comprise 80-93% of what is communicated. So when we loop, if we loop only the words that people are using, people will often not [...]
Read MoreThe Loop of Understanding – Tip #2
May 28th, 2011 • Author: adminOne of loopers’ biggest challenges is to loop people whose tendency is to speak for long periods of time. Our normal tendency when people do this is to be polite and not interrupt them. We think that this is not so helpful to the speaker or the looper since the looper will reach a point [...]
Read MoreJune Book recommendation
May 28th, 2011 • Author: adminMediating Dangerously: The Frontiers of Conflict Resolution By Ken Cloke Ken Cloke understands what we think is at the heart of mediation, which is that there is no safe place for the parties or mediator to stand. When we withdraw to try to find safety, we are deceiving ourselves and letting down the parties. His [...]
Read MoreReflection from Norman- June 2011
May 28th, 2011 • Author: adminOne very effective way to practice with frustration is to make a detailed study of it just at the moment when you find yourself in its grip. Trying not to be frustrated when you are is just piling more frustration on top of your frustration. So why not instead look at it close up? When [...]
Read MoreThe Value of Participation by Lawyers in the Mediation Process
May 27th, 2011 • Author: adminHistorically, many mediators have felt that lawyers’ presence in mediation would be disruptive and distort the process and outcome. As lawyers have learned to support their clients in mediation as the primary decision makers, they have also learned a number of skills to enhance the effectiveness of their clients’ participation in mediation. Our view is [...]
Read MoreMay Book Recommendation
April 19th, 2011 • Author: adminSailing Home: Using the Wisdom of the Odyssey to Navigate Life’s Perils and Pitfalls (from Simon and Schuster, June 2008) This is a wonderful book to help us to understand ourselves more deeply, particularly with respect to the arc of the journey of our lifetime, using the myth of the Odyssey as a metaphor, Norman [...]
Read MoreReflections from Norman
April 19th, 2011 • Author: adminNorman Fischer is a poet, author, Zen Buddhist priest and former abbot of the San Francisco Zen Center. As founder of the Everyday Zen Foundation, his work with meditation practice has taken him into many corners of contemporary American life, including lawyering as a spiritual path. Norman has worked with the Center for Understanding in [...]
Read MoreHow professionals collaborate with parties to design the process
April 19th, 2011 • Author: adminSeveral steps are necessary for professionals to engage the parties as co-designers of the process, whether it is mediation or collaborative practice or some other process for addressing a conflict. First, professionals need to see themselves in a horizontal relationship with parties rather than in a vertical relationship. Second, professionals need to understand the value [...]
Read MoreThe Loop of Understanding
March 2nd, 2011 • Author: adminDeveloping understanding systematically, authentically, and compassionately is core to our approach to mediation and the loop of understanding is central to that effort. Looping is a technique that helps focus the dialogue and develop understanding throughout the mediation. Although the approach is similar to and borrows much from what others refer to as active or [...]
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