While we think it is important for the mediator to provide a structure for the parties to have constructive communication, we think it is also important that the process itself not be one that the mediator imposes on the parties. What this means is that as much as possible, we want to enlist the parties as participants in designing the process, which we call the “how”, in order to reach an agreement on the substance or “the what”, which is determined by the parties.

So at each stage of the process, when the mediator suggests a task to move the mediation forward, we suggest using the following steps to engage the parties’ real participation, understanding and agreement regarding how we are proceeding.

First, the mediator describes the task such as describing the history of the dispute, understanding what is important to the parties, brainstorming options, or other tasks that will be completed during the mediation. Once the mediator has described the task and the parties understand the task, we don’t think it is enough to be able to simply proceed because they seem inclined to go along with the mediator’s suggestion. Because parties often feel vulnerable and want to rely on the mediator as the expert on how to proceed, we want to engage not only the parties’ understanding but their active support for proceeding with the task. So we don’t stop with the description of the task and asking for consent.

We then ask the parties to tell us if they think the task would be valuable in moving the process forward, and if so, why they think it would be valuable. As mediators, we might have an idea of why we think it would be valuable. But what is more important than our ideas are the parties’ motivations that we are trying to tap in the moment if they have their own reasons why the task is valuable. We also ask the parties about any concerns they have about the task. By having a conversation not only about what they parties find valuable about the suggested tasks, but also any concerns they might have about the task, we are encouraging people to fully evaluate the described process. Often when parties register concerns, the task is reshaped to respond to and better fit the parties’ individual abilities and needs. By engaging the parties’ active participation in designing the task, the parties will also likely feel much more committed to participate fully and actively. If the parties have lawyers in the room, it is also essential to enlist the lawyers as well as participants in designing the process so that they feel that their clients are adequately protected and that the direction of the mediation makes sense to them.

This approach to structuring the process requires the mediator not to be so invested in their own idea of how the parties should proceed that he or she subtly or not so subtly pressures the parties to proceed in a way that might not make sense to one or both parties. It is very tempting when we have an idea as mediators about how to proceed that has been successful in other mediations to assume that our idea will work for everyone. But it is sometimes true that our idea will not work for everyone and we need to be ready to respond to the individuality of the situation and who the parties are in terms of their sophistication, intelligence, emotional states, negotiation experience, and capacity for intellectual understanding of not only the problem but the procedures that are being used.

This does not mean that if the parties and or lawyers make a suggestion for how to proceed that doesn’t make sense to the mediator, that the mediator simply agrees to adopt the suggestion. Because the mediator needs to include themselves as a party to the negotiation about the process, if the mediator disagrees with the parties, then that disagreement needs to be worked through before the mediation can proceed.

This also means that the mediator should not simply give up an idea of how to proceed if the parties’ first reaction is negative. It may be that the mediator will need to live with the tension of having a conversation with the parties where his or her idea is fully explored before giving the parties the ability to reject the idea. However, there is a clear danger that when the mediator feels strongly that their idea is “right” for the parties that the mediator will be too reluctant to let go of the idea, particularly if they don’t have another idea in mind about how to proceed.

Structuring the process requires the mediator to have both an ability to assert and also the ability to be sensitive and receptive to the parties’ response. This is one of the fundamental tensions that we think needs to be at the heart of an Understanding Based Model. Structuring the process in this manner may seem like an arduous and unnecessary step to some, but we feel that this is the best antidote to a coercive process and provides the best opportunity for the parties to really feel engaged in and invested in the mediation process.

Bailey Farms

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Description:

The Mediation Intensive Training provides both experienced mediators and those new to the field with the perspective and skills necessary to work within the Center’s model of mediation. Participants learn what it takes to shift from a stance of advocacy to one of mediation – for professionals and parties alike. The program is open to attorneys as well as other professionals working to integrate the principles of mediation into their practice or work. Our prior participants have included ombudspeople, collaborative coaches, family business consultants, non-profit staff and other professionals who work with conflict.

PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS:

• Reaching an agreement to mediate;
• Establishing parties’ responsibility for decisions;
• Working with attorneys and other professionals.
• Supporting each party’s autonomy while encouraging mutuality;
• Understanding fully each party’s point of view while remaining neutral;
• Dealing with conflict by enhancing understanding;
• Employing analytic skills in clarifying issues and goals;
• Integrating the law;
• Generating bases for decision other than law;
• Developing creative options that address differing needs and interests;

METHODS AND OUTCOMES:

The learning addresses the practical, theoretical and personal dimensions of integrating an understanding based perspective into your practice. Training at the Center combines presentations, teacher demonstrations, case simulations and discussions. Concise briefings introducing the five stage model and tools of the Understanding Based Approach alternate with demonstrations and role-plays designed to immerse the participants in the mediation process. Central to the learning are real to life simulations in which the participants work through mediations from beginning to end. Each participant has the opportunity to role-play, in turn, mediator and party. They have a chance to apply the concepts and skills introduced in the briefings, and to experience the emotional challenges faced by parties in dispute. Participants have described these different modes of learning and their interplay as enjoyable as they are engaging and rewarding.

PARTICIPANT QUOTES:

“Exceeded my expectations 1,000 fold. Well organized. Clear teaching and facilitation. Clear materials. So much information for such a short period of time.”

“Very heartfelt as well as well-designed and amazing content. I can feel how much time, hope and love goes into preparing to teach this class.”

Please see below for additional quotes by participants.

WHO SHOULD ATTEND:

The program is open to attorneys as well as other professionals working to integrate the principles of mediation into their practice. For continuing legal education purposes, the Mediation Intensive Training is appropriate for both newly admitted and experienced attorneys.

CONTINUING EDUCATION CREDIT:

The Center for Understanding in Conflict, as the Center for Mediation in Law, has been certified as follows:

• In New York, as an Accredited Provider of Continuing Legal Education in the State of New York by the New York State Continuing Legal Education Board. The Mediation Intensive Training will fulfill 40 NY MCLE credit hours (6.5 Ethics credits; 19.5 Professional Practice credits; and 14 Skills credits).
• In California, as a continuing legal education provider of Minimum Continuing Legal Education by the State Bar of California. The Mediation Intensive Training will qualify for MCLE credit in the amount of 40 hours (8 hours Legal Ethics; 1 hour Law Practice Management; and 1 hour Elimination of Bias).

FEES:

The program fee is $1,350. An early bird discount of $100 applies if you register 30 days prior to a program. A deposit of $400.00 is necessary to secure your registration. Please note that you will be billed separately for lodging and meals.

LOCATIONS:

The Mediation Intensive Trainings are conducted in Northern California and New York, at residential conference/retreat centers. We recommend you stay at the facility to maximize your learning.

New York site: Bailey Farms, 45 minutes north of New York City in Westchester County. Lodging and meals are an additional  $530 (shared  accommodations). The commuter fee (meals included) is  $300. Single rooms, if available, are $780. Room preferences are to be indicated in the process of registering for the program, as indicated below. For questions about the program and the registration process, please contact:  training.ny@understandinginconflict.org.  For  general information about the Bailey Farms retreat and conference center, please visit www.BaileyFarms.org.

SCHEDULE:

The trainings begin on Wednesday afternoon at 2:30pm through 9:00pm. Thursday, Friday and Saturday the sessions run from 9am – 9pm (with ample breaks for meals and rest). The program wraps up on Sunday with a session from 9am – 12noon.

TO REGISTER:

Either download and print the Mail-In Registration Form or fill out the form below to register online.

Participants will be accepted in order of registration. We will confirm your reservation as soon as you are placed in the program. Class sizes are limited to facilitate individual learning. Due to the interdependent nature of learning, attendance at the entire program is necessary.

PARTICIPANT QUOTES:

“Excellent, and it surpassed my expectations. The instructors, across-the-board, were masterful. Through their personalities and the depth of their knowledge, they made an intensive program flow smoothly and effectively. The use of the word ‘intensive’ was certainly appropriate. Yet I found it effective in assisting me in not only understanding, but also in internalizing the methodology.”

Andrew Zwerling, Senior Litigation Partner, Arbitrator, Mediator, Garfunkel Wild, P.C., Great Neck, New York

“I would go as far as to say that it was a life-changing experience. It was probably because of where I am in life, but more than that, it was the care and knowledge the trainers showed throughout the training that made this experience so transformative. Pedagogically, the training was excellent. In addition, the participants were some of the most engaged, passionate, and interesting people I have ever met.  The well-organized material was incredibly useful and the philosophy of mediation, extremely moving.  You have and everyone has given me an enormous gift.”
- Yuko Uchikawa, Mediator Brooklyn, NY

“I can’t say enough good things about this program.  Jack and Katherine led a program that I believe not only enhanced my ability to help parties through conflict, but also encouraged personal reflection and opened participants to the possibilities of transforming, bit by bit, our broken formal dispute resolution system.I thought the program was extremely well-considered and organized; the instructors were first rate, as were my fellow participants.”
Allen A. Drexel, Family Lawyer and Mediator, Drexel Grande LLC

“Having had well over 100 hours of previous training, I feared this program might cover too much familiar ground. Those fears vanished within the first 20 minutes and were replaced with the thrill of discovering a richer, deeper mode of mediating. While a great and challenging introduction to ‘understanding’ mediation, I recommend this course to even the most seasoned mediators. It will reinvigorate and inspire you. Fantastic. Well organized. Stimulating. Provocative.”
Steven M. Rabinowitz, Mediator/Lawyer Pryor Cashman LLP, NYC.

“This training helped me integrate knowledge, emotions and a spiritual dimension into my work as a collaborative lawyer and mediator.  I can now approach my work with greater authenticity and an open heart.”

Mariette Geldenhuys, Collaborative Attorney and Mediator, Ithaca, New York

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Marin County, California

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Description:

The Mediation Intensive Training provides both experienced mediators and those new to the field with the perspective and skills necessary to work within the Center’s model of mediation. Participants learn what it takes to shift from a stance of advocacy to one of mediation – for professionals and parties alike. The program is open to attorneys as well as other professionals working to integrate the principles of mediation into their practice or work. Our prior participants have included ombudspeople, collaborative coaches, family business consultants, non-profit staff and other professionals who work with conflict.

PROGRAM HIGHLIGHTS:

• Reaching an agreement to mediate;
• Establishing parties’ responsibility for decisions;
• Working with attorneys and other professionals.
• Supporting each party’s autonomy while encouraging mutuality;
• Understanding fully each party’s point of view while remaining neutral;
• Dealing with conflict by enhancing understanding;
• Employing analytic skills in clarifying issues and goals;
• Integrating the law;
• Generating bases for decision other than law;
• Developing creative options that address differing needs and interests;

METHODS AND OUTCOMES:

The learning addresses the practical, theoretical and personal dimensions of integrating an understanding based perspective into your practice. Training at the Center combines presentations, teacher demonstrations, case simulations and discussions. Concise briefings introducing the five stage model and tools of the Understanding Based Approach alternate with demonstrations and role-plays designed to immerse the participants in the mediation process. Central to the learning are real to life simulations in which the participants work through mediations from beginning to end. Each participant has the opportunity to role-play, in turn, mediator and party. They have a chance to apply the concepts and skills introduced in the briefings, and to experience the emotional challenges faced by parties in dispute. Participants have described these different modes of learning and their interplay as enjoyable as they are engaging and rewarding.

Participant quote – “Exceeded my expectations 1,000 fold. Well organized. Clear teaching and facilitation. Clear materials. So much information for such a short period of time.”

WHO SHOULD ATTEND:

The program is open to attorneys as well as other professionals working to integrate the principles of mediation into their practice. For continuing legal education purposes, the Mediation Intensive Training is appropriate for both newly admitted and experienced attorneys.

CONTINUING EDUCATION CREDIT:

The Center for Understanding in Conflict, as the Center for Mediation in Law, has been certified as follows:

• In California, as a continuing legal education provider of Minimum Continuing Legal Education by the State Bar of California. The Mediation Intensive Training will qualify for MCLE credit in the amount of 40 hours (8 hours Legal Ethics and 1 hour Elimination of Bias).

FEES:

The program fee is $1,350, plus the facilities fee described below. An early bird discount of $100 applies if you register 30 days prior to a program.  There is an additional facilities fee described below, which varies depending upon the housing option chosen.

LOCATIONS:

The Mediation Intensive Training is conducted in Northern California at Green Gulch Farm, located in Marin County, a rustic and unique facility within walking distance of Muir Beach and the Pacific Ocean.. We recommend you stay at the facility to maximize your learning.

Facilities Fee:  If staying at the facility, housing costs (which include meals) are as follows: Private room-$650 or Shared room-$450. If commuting, the fee is $200. For more information, go to www.sfzc.org.

SCHEDULE:

The trainings begin on Wednesday afternoon at 2:30pm through 9:00pm. Thursday, Friday and Saturday the sessions run from 9am – 9pm (with ample breaks for meals and rest). The program wraps up on Sunday with a session from 9am – 12noon.

TO REGISTER:

Participants will be accepted in order of registration. We will confirm your reservation as soon as you are placed in the program. Class sizes are limited to facilitate individual learning. Due to the interdependent nature of learning, attendance at the entire program is necessary.

Either download and print the Mail-In Registration Form or fill out the form to the right to register online.

Marin County, California

Map and Directions

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Description:

Integrating the law and the participation of lawyers into the mediation process without having the law or lawyers dominate is a significant challenge for mediators.  In this program, we will clarify the role of the law in mediation and teach mediators how to guide parties to their own determination of the weight and relevance of the law to their situation and how lawyers can participate in a way that supports their clients and the mediation process. Participants will learn the following:

•How law can be used to enhance the parties’ understanding and empowerment without having it take over from other reference points for decision-making

•Why to bring in the law and the value of the underlying principles of the law

•How to bring in the law with lawyers in the room and without the lawyers in the room

Faculty: Gary J. Friedman and Catherine Conner

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Description:

This is a week-long  program in self-reflection in Mexico for conflict professionals.

In this program, we will have a continued focus on how we can work effectively  with our own internal responses to help people in conflict. There will be a significant meditation component to the program. The program is open to people who have completed at least one program with the Center and are working in the conflict resolution field as mediators, collaborators, negotiators, ombudspersons, or traditional lawyers.

Faculty: Gary Friedman, Jack Himmelstein, Norman Fischer

Either download and print the Mail-In Registration Form or fill out the form below to register online.

Register

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Description:

In this training program, we will focus on (1) how the collaborative team can work effectively together to help the parties to understand what is important to each of them and to their family underlying their conflict and (2) how those underlying interests can help to guide the way to creative resolution of the conflict.

Parties in conflict are usually focused on their positions. At the level of each of the parties’ positions, there is often little room for movement and limited understanding of what underlies their dispute. And it can seem that only a judge can end the deadlock.  By contrast, at a deeper level of what each party seeks underlying their positions – their interests – it is possible to create a fuller understanding by each party of their own view and that of the other.  And that can support creative movement toward resolution of their conflict.

The faculty for this training program are: Gary Friedman and Jack Himmelstein

To register, please contact: Carla Marcucci:   carla.marcucci@pec.avvocatilucca.it

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When using “judgment,” we need, in English, to distinguish between judging as in discernment, and judging as in critical labeling within us – right and wrong, good and bad – with usually strong emotions being associated with the judgments.  Some languages have different words for these two related but quite different kinds of “judgments.”  In English, we have one, although being “judgmental” captures the quality of disparagement.

The two different aspects of judgment can at times seem almost indistinguishable, and it is so very easy to move from the one to the other.  But we can, if we want to and if we pay attention, see the differences between the two forms of judgment, even when subtle.

In the judicial system, judges are free to have both kinds of judgments, although their judicial decisions, their rendered judgments, it is understood, should be guided by discernment:  applying the law to the facts “dispassionately.”

Conflict professionals often pride themselves as being “judgment free.”  For us, that is an aspiration that requires continual self awareness in the moment, and from moment to moment.  It is not just a matter of not showing your judgments, but of realizing them and not being attached to or caught up in them…. and, perhaps, learning from them.  That learning is not just in terms of the party or parties sitting with us, but learning within ourselves – learning in terms of appreciating the power that judgment can have over us and within us (and within the parties as well).  It also involves finding a different way of recognizing and letting go of the hold that judgment can readily have over us and others, if we wish to do so and intend to do so.  That path has the promise and possibility of leading to compassion, empathy and connection.

That does not mean that “anything goes” – that we simply accept whatever either of both parties want or do.  It rather means, for us, that we aspire in our work toward a place we may seek to meet each other “beyond right and wrong.”  Whatever our internal experience as we work to help people in conflict, we seek to join with them from a place of recognizing our judgments and the feelings that give rise to them within us — not being attached to them, and reaching, if we choose, to the search for greater understanding, compassion, empathy and connection.

Seeking that path, we can work more deeply and richly with ourselves, with the parties we serve, and with each other.

When parties to conflict feel so misunderstood, receiving authentic understanding can be enormously valuable in creating the climate for them to work together to resolve their dispute. The mediator’s authentic effort to understand each party, done well, can lead to both parties feeling understood –  at least by the mediator.  Being understood by the mediator is valuable in and of itself.  There is also the possibility that the parties may be able and willing to try to understand each other.

Misunderstanding fans the flames of conflict.  Understanding can begin to quell them, and allow for something deeper between the parties to arise. As Thich Nhat Hanh has expressed it, when it becomes possible for each party to a conflict to see that the other is also suffering, the anger can dissipate.

Easy to say.  Much harder to do–not just for the disputants to a conflict, but for the conflict professionals as well.

This book focuses on how to find an authentic voice with which to have some of life’s most challenging conversations.  Dr. Lerner focuses on a true expression of self in order to “maximize the chance of being heard” and keeping the connection open even in the face of strong emotion, complex dynamic and misunderstandings.

Most of us believe suffering is negative, difficult, and to be avoided at all costs.  Suffering breaks our spirit and ruins our life.  So rather than face the suffering we blame others or the world for the unfortunate things that have happened to us.  Or we blame ourselves, imagining that we are essentially incapable of happiness and right action.  All of this amounts to a strategy of distraction.  Blame is a way of avoiding the actual suffering we feel.  And if we are unwilling to face our own suffering, how much more are we unwilling to take in the suffering of others, let alone the whole mass of suffering of this troubled world.